Resolution 1: Trusting Myself by Trusting in God

I don’t know how people do it.  I don’t know how people with kids stay on top of, much less ahead of, all the cleaning, cooking, and clutter that every day life produces.  Our weekends are spent with laundry and scrubbing; what little time will allow, anyway.  I hate to worry so much about keeping the house spotless that I miss the only free time I have with my baby, though.  But, the mess just sits and bugs me to death.  I need a cleaning service, if I could afford such things.

My closet looks like World War III erupted in there, using mostly shoes as weapons.  I have GOT to do something about all my shoes.  You know what the kicker is?  I don’t even wear them hardly at all, since I’m usually in scrubs all day at work.  But when I want my Italian leather brown boots, I want them.  Too bad I couldn’t find them right now if someone paid me- they’re under about 2 feet of other clothes/shoes/accessories. Lol.  Enough about my mess, though!

The Hubbs and I are getting ancy to leave this city for good.  We still have about 7 months here, and then we will move out west!  The winters are the hardest 8 months in Erie, since it is either raining or snowing plus always cloudy the vast majority of those looooooong winter months.  It’s a little cabin fever-y, not just in our apartment, but in the whole city.  We are reading “A Purpose Driven Life” together, which has us looking ahead, also.  It’s a fabulous book for recentering your life and refocusing on your priorities.  I read it first at 19, and it was only after I read it that I felt God was telling me that one of my purposes was to go into medicine and heal the sick.  And I do really try to treat every patient I see with love, and that’s sort of my way of praising God through my work.  Some days, I think about how close I came to not being here, in this profession.  Before I read that book, I thought I could never make it to med school, that I wasn’t smart enough.  Interestingly enough, after I had made that decision (to follow His plan for my life), I had people from many angles of my life telling me I wouldn’t make it or that I shouldn’t even try.  Many people testing me, trying to have me doubt what I thought God’s plan was for me.  I don’t know if I ever shared that with y’all.  Part of me started to doubt myself, too.  I started my first semester of med school, thinking I might not make it, mentally giving myself permission to fail, because it’s what I thought was expected of me.  I don’t think I thought much about what might happen if I actually made it all the way through…

But, 10 years later, here I am.  Reading this same book again, trying to realign my life with what God wants for the future.  Sort of saying, “OK, God, I’ve accomplished THAT, what do I do now?”  But to look forward, we oftentimes find ourselves reflecting backwards, as if to learn from our past.  I am learning that I wish I had more gumption.  More backbone.  I wish I’d had the gall, the audacity, to believe I might actually do this thing, that seemed so impossible.  I wish I had taken to heart one of my favorite verses, Philippians 4:13, “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me,” because even though I alone could not have gotten through the last 10 years, I should not have doubted how far God could take me, when he spoke to me and told me that this was his plan for me.  And boy, did he ever take me!!!  That’s not to say it’s been a perfectly smooth ride, or that I haven’t had my share, and sometimes more, of rough days.  But I am getting through it, and in a few short months, I’ll be done with this leg of my life’s journey.

And, just as with any closing of one chapter and opening of another, it’s bittersweet.  I have been in this state for 8 years now, and while we’re obviously chomping at the bit to go somewhere new, I’m a little ambivalent.  While I’m sick of Erie, I am a little nervous to set out anew, to start all over again somewhere else.  While I tire of being a resident, I’m scared to death of being an attending, without my team.  I mentally gave myself permission to fail at every step of my journey over the last 10 years, but I never gave myself permission to actually succeed at this task, so seemingly impossible, 10 years ago.

So now, I give myself permission to succeed!  To succeed, not only for myself, but for the glory of God and His divine plan for my life!  And I give myself permission to enjoy all that God has blessed me with, without apology, without explanation, and without guilt!  🙂