40 Weeks/ Week 1

My whole life has changed in the course of a week- it’s this amazing, life altering, terrifying, somewhat traumatic, and completely beautiful experience all at once to give birth to another life.  It will have been a week tomorrow that I became a parent- I cannot believe that I am a parent!  

My emotions after my delivery have ranged the entire spectrum.  I am beyond elated that I have my healthy sweet baby boy in my arms.  He is such a miracle, he is so perfect in my eyes.  I was shocked at how intensely and deeply I loved him, even though I just met him.  I couldn’t stand to be separated from him even for a few minutes while they checked him out in the delivery room.  And every day, I fall for him over and over again.  I just keep thinking how he was wonderfully and fearfully made…and I am so lucky to have him.  I love this boy more than anything- and I would do anything for him!  He is my baby, and I am taken aback at how intensely and quickly I became his mama.

At times, I find myself in tears since I’ve been home, for any reason at all, and sometimes for no reason at all.  I felt terrified that I would be a bad mother, that I’m screwing it up.  I felt guilty for the first time I left him with grandma and grandpa while Hubby and I went for ice cream (I apparently needed to get out of the house).  I felt sad that I was no longer pregnant, that every new beginning comes from some other beginning’s end.  I was mourning not being pregnant with him and not feeling every kick, not having him with me every minute of every day.  I felt overcome with joy and yet also terrified of the thought of being a mother.  I felt lonely while feeding him all by myself and when Hubby went back to work.  I became sad at the thought of him growing up and no longer being this perfect little newborn package.  I wonder about what kind of man he will grow up to be.  I worry that I am not doing enough to stimulate him (he sleeps so much!).  I felt so sad when I was told by the pediatrician today that I have to supplement him with formula because I’m not making enough milk yet.  And I worry that I am not letting myself enjoy this stage of his life, just as I sincerely think I didn’t let myself enjoy my pregnancy as much as I should have, because I was too busy worrying if I was “doing it right.”  I need to learn not to be so Type A- I have to learn to roll with the punches, to not be a perfectionist- if I don’t learn these lessons, I will drive myself nuts.  These sad thoughts are not near as often as the happy ones- and everyone says it’s normal to feel the “Baby Blues” for a couple of weeks after delivery, and that it should go away soon.

It’s a beautiful, happy, scary thing to become a parent, and I feel so so blessed to have this wonderful baby boy in my life.  I thank God for him and I am so excited to find out who Baby G is and raise him to be the man God wants him to be!  That might possibly have been the most life altering week of my whole life!  I started this week pregnant, anticipating a baby, and I end this week a parent, grateful and a little terrified, but above all completely in love with the newest addition to our family.